your parents love me but you hate me
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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