Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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