Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
