i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize