I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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