remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
