i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
COCAINE IS GR8
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
