it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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