the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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