My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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