I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
