dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
