I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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