I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
being pregnant is like rehab
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
