saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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