dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
