Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We smell like vodka and hangover
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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