You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
