im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
