Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
