Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
