I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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