Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
