i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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