oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
