how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
