Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm really busy with my period
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