Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
