Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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