My room smells like vodka and shame
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
