you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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