i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
