there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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