I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize