john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
