There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
