if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
