he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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