Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize