after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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