Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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