it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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