She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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