I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
