we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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