If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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