Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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