Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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