4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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