Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
