It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
