I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
