the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
