my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
