When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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