Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
