Can i not drive my cunt home
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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