There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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